Couples Counselling Toronto: Navigate Relationship Challenges Together

If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, then you’re probably aware of at least a few of the common challenges couples face. Couples counselling in Toronto can be an excellent resource for improving the way you and your partner understand one another. A couples counselling therapist can provide a safe space for mediating issues and give you new tools for communication.
Topics Covered:
- Common Conflicts Couples Face
- Managing Conflict Together
- Relationship Resources
Common Conflicts Couples Face
Dr. John Gottman’s research outlined in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work highlights a [staggering] statistic that 69% of problems in a relationship are “unsolvable” (Feureman, n.d.). Perhaps this does not come as such a surprise to some. He chalks it up to personality differences and longstanding, recurring issues around the same topics. While this statistic can seem daunting at first glance, it lends to an acceptance of sorts; giving couples more agency to put energy into change where it counts. Rather than wasting time and energy on the unchanging aspects of their relationship, they could focus on acceptance and improving conflict management rather than eliminating all conflict.
Conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships. Repair is the critical element that can transform conflict into growing closer and developing a better understanding of one another.
Most Common Conflicts Couples Face Centre Around:
- Finances
Includes financial stress, spending and saving habits, different ideas about the kinds of things to spend money is spent on, or how bills are divided. - Intimacy
Includes misalignment in the degree of intimacy in the relationship, issues with sexual dysfunction, extramarital affairs, physical touch and affection outside of sexual intimacy, and the quality of emotional intimacy. - Careers
Includes dissatisfaction with (self or partner’s) work-life balance, contribution to the household, and impact on family planning for the future. - Kids
Includes differences in parenting and discipline styles, family planning, religious or cultural background, education, finances, and family dynamics with extended family. - Chores
Includes misaligned ideas of gender roles and expectations, communication about chores, as well as different tolerance levels for household cleanliness.
Other general common issues:
- Communication style differences
- Differences in preferred love language
- Adult attachment differences (i.e., insecure, disorganized, avoidant, secure)
- Religious or cultural differences within the family
- What else would you add to this list?
Managing Couples Counselling Conflict Together
Dr. Julie and John Gottman are relationship experts, as their life’s work has been dedicated to studying couples counselling in both research and clinical settings. Together, they have put forth frameworks for helping couples manage conflict in ways that bring them together, not push them further apart. The following blueprints are suggestions based in research about what could be useful when conflict arises.
Blueprint #1: Current Conflicts
Proposes that the couple post-pone “persuasion tactics” until both parties have stated their perspective clearly and fully – that means no interrupting your partner with “but, I -“. Ideally, this conversation would happen when the couple is emotionally calm or at least receptive to having a conversation rather than an argument.
Each person takes a turn being the listener and speaker; while the listener’s job is to try to hear the emotional message their partner is conveying (and not only think about their defence), the speaker’s role is to try to use non-accusatory language, such as gentle start-ups (e.g., “When this happens, it makes me feel…”, “I start thinking…”). It is recommended that the couple takes a 15-20 minute break if things get too heated and either partner becomes emotionally flooded (Feureman, n.d.)
Blueprint #2: Attachment Injuries
“Attachment injuries” is Dr. Sue Johnson’s term for painful emotional events that occurred prior to or during the relationship. For example, one of you has been cheated on in a previous relationship or current relationship at an earlier time. These events typically involve a breach of trust. This kind of conflict can arise when an attachment injury is triggered (i.e. something that reminds the person of the attachment injury).
The Gottmans recommend that the couple maintain a calm composure and avoid being negative or critical when discussing triggers. It’s important that each other’s perspectives are heard and validated even if you disagree. The goal is for the couple to describe how they feel, express their individual realities, take responsibility where it is due, and discuss how things can be better handled in the future. This collaborative process inspires the idea that you’re on the same team and turning towards each other to navigate challenges rather than pushing each other away. (Feureman, n.d.)
Blueprint #3: Gridlock and Dialogue
Gottman suggests that couples are either “gridlocked” or “in dialogue” on perpetual problems that concern personality differences or fundamental needs. Being “in dialogue” is the aim, as it is when the couple has generally accepted their differences and can move through the same perpetual problems with more ease when they arise.
Couples counselling can move from gridlock to dialogue by better understanding each other’s dreams and stance that make up the difference. It’s suggested that each partner does their best to make peace with the differences, collaboratively compromise, and plan for how their dreams can overlap in some way (Feureman, n.d.).That is, if the goal is to stay together and learn to live in more harmony and mutual respect and acceptance.
Contact us to connect with a couples counselling therapist in Toronto now here.
BONUS STRATEGY (IT’S FUN, WE PROMISE)
Rusnak (n.d.) outlines benefits of the six-second kiss recommended by Dr. John Gottman. Gottman’s research recommends that couples are intentional about adding a kiss at least six seconds long – or “long enough to feel romantic” into their everyday lives. The benefits speak for themselves.

Relationship Resources
If you’re interested in learning more about couples counselling and relationships, there are several masters of couples counselling and relationships in the field of psychology; Dr. Julie and John Gottman, Esther Perel, and Dr. Sue Johnson to name a few.
- Website: The Gottman Institute
- Book: The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by Dr. John Gottman
- Book: The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
- Book: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Language by Esther Perel
- Book: Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman
- Book: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
- Book: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
References
- Feuerman, M. (n.d.). Managing vs. resolving conflict in relationships: the blueprints for success. The Gottman Institute.
- Parrott, L. & Parrot, L. (2021, August 4). The top 5 conflicts every married couple faces. Symbis Assessment.
- Rusnak, K. (n.d.). The six second kiss. The Gottman Institute.