Childhood Trauma Holiday Triggers: Survive with Self-Compassion

December 16, 2024

Childhood trauma is not something people ‘get over’ or ‘fix’. These wounds shape the fabric of a person’s DNA and influence interpretations of the world around them. When people choose the path of self-discovery, processing their experiences through a lens of compassion, and working to break unwanted cycles, they are not getting rid of these wounds, rather learning to live with them in new ways. Unfortunately, visiting family – or simply existing – over the holidays can stir up feelings that run deep and may prompt a regression to old ways of being, despite the inner work and progress that you’ve made.

At a Glance

What is Childhood Trauma?
Reflection Questions to Foster Self-Compassion
What are Boundaries and How Can I Implement Them?

What is Childhood Trauma?

The National Institute of Mental Health defines childhood trauma as, “The experience of an event by a child that is emotionally painful or distressful, which often results in lasting mental and physical effects… It can occur when a child witnesses or experiences overwhelming negative events in childhood.” (Blueknot, n.d.). Early childhood trauma refers to traumatic experiences that occur in children between the age of 0-6. While a child might have fragmented or no memory of a traumatic event, these experiences impact developing brains and attachment systems to shape emotional responses in their environment (NCTSN, n.d.).

The DSM-5 specifies diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that you can read about here. It’s important to note that not everyone who experiences trauma develops PTSD. Emotional and psychological trauma refers to the result of stressful events that shatter your sense of security, sense of self, and ability to regulate emotions and navigate relationships (CAMH, n.d.). However, the term ‘trauma’ is often spoken about in a generalized sense outside of the medical definition when people refer to emotional wounds they endured during formative years.

Holidays are known to bring up all kinds of unsettling feelings; whether you endured trauma that shook you to your core growing up, or you’re still hurting from past and continued family dynamics that are out of your control. Self-reflection on what your needs are in this season is an act of kindness towards your inner child.

Reflection Questions to Foster Self-Compassion

a.k.a. The world is stressful enough as it is. Let’s be kind to yourself.

You may use these reflection questions as journal prompts or simply food for thought as you go about your day.

What’s feeling heavy or unsettling right now? How can I help myself simply be with these feelings or nurture them?
What am I proud of myself for this year?
What new strengths, skills, or insights have I adopted and trust myself to implement as needed?
Who are my support people I can talk to about difficult stuff that comes up during the holidays?
What are my hopes for how I show up for emotionally challenging situations this season? Am I willing to be forgiving and gentle with myself if I am imperfect?
What boundaries am I willing to implement to help myself through a challenging time?

What are Boundaries and How Can I Implement Them?

In psychological terms, boundaries refer to the parameters we put on internal or external events for the purposes of self-care and wellbeing. Types of boundaries include emotional, mental, and physical ones.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries are ways we practice responding to our emotions and the emotions of others. You might have already realized through personal experience that sometimes it’s safe to feel and process our feelings, and other times you’re better off practicing emotional containment until you can safely tend to them on your own or with someone you trust.

Examples of ‘unsafe’ environments for feeling or expressing our feelings include being around people who tend to be critical, judgmental, abusive, or otherwise unsupportive and unhelpful. Depending on your family dynamics and support network, you might benefit from the practice of emotional containment.

Emotional containment differs from emotional suppression in its relationship to feelings. Emotional suppression says, “Nope, we’re not making room for this [feeling]. I can’t/shouldn’t feel this. Let’s push it down and never come back to it.” Whereas, emotional containment says, “I’m sensing it’s not the best time for me to really sit down and fully feel these feelings right now. Let’s practice self-kindness and self-care by setting it aside for now with the intention of coming back to it when I can safely process it on my own or with someone I trust. In the meantime, let’s take care of some other needs, like going for a run, watching a movie, or doing some deep stretches.”

Mental Boundaries

Mental boundaries refer to how we think about the people/places/things we are in relationship with. For example, let’s say you’re visiting family for some time over the holidays. What expectations are you entering this time with? Sometimes, what we wish were true about family dynamics is not a reflection of the reality, which can lead us to feel even more hurt and let down. Managing your expectations is not the same thing as passivity or dismissing your feelings about how things are. Rather, these mental boundaries can help to form new paths and ways of existing within the reality, where you are taking care of your emotional wellbeing.

An example of managing expectations might sound like, “I wish it were this way when I visit home, but I know that it is unlikely to happen exactly the way I want. I’m going into this willing to be proven wrong, and with openness to how things are, and permission to give myself space to feel whatever I feel without judgment.”

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries refer to the things you say or do to try to create a sense of safety and security within yourself. The definition of ‘appropriate boundaries’ differs between people, which can lead to conflict and misunderstandings, especially when those you’re setting boundaries with have benefitted from you not having them in the past.

Examples of physical boundaries around the holidays include:

Taking space in a private room or spending time with yourself outdoors.
Spending a limited amount of time in the presence of people that drain you.
Actively choosing when to respond to texts and calls on your schedule [and not holding onto guilt for doing so].
Making plans for doing things you want to do over the holidays. Just for you.

A Final Note

Feelings of loneliness and isolation have well documented adverse effects on mental and physical health and wellbeing. If you’re struggling to feel seen and connected right now, please know that you are never alone. There are people who understand and people who are willing to sit with you through the thick of it and listen.

If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 9-1-1 or go to your nearest hospital. Alternatively, you can access crisis support lines:

Call 211 to be connected with Toronto Community Crisis Service
Call or text 988 to be connected with the Suicide Crisis Helpline anywhere in Canada

For non-emergency circumstances, you may begin working with your personal therapist by booking with one of our licensed therapists here.

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